goodnight, gratitude

There is just something about weekends that is absolutely priceless.  The freedom, maybe.  The knowledge that every moment of these precious 48 hours are mine to do with what I please.  That anything and everything I do is of my choosing.  Whether it is a busy weekend full of errands, friends, workouts, hikes, and coffee shops, or it is a weekend of lazy afternoons, movie marathons, hot cocoa and Skype - I am ultimately doing exactly what it is I want to do.  Of course, with this priceless freedom comes a caveat... the Sunday night blues.  Tonight, for instance, I was riding the wave of a wonderful weekend. But as soon as it neared bed time, my mood dropped.  I began to worry about Monday morning, began turning through the next day's tasks in my mind.  I started to wonder how Saturday and Sunday could go by so quickly and who in the world decided we should work 5 days and rest only 2.  Then I saw a post by Diane Sanfilippo that startled me.  It was as if she read my mind.  She said:  "If you are feeling the Sunday Night Blues, make a gratitude list before you go to bed. That'll get your head straight. #gratitude #lifeisgood #countyourblessings"

So that's what I did.  Or, that's what I started to do.  My list began like this:

1. I am strong, healthy, and happy.

That's also where my list ended.  I just stared at it for a while.  I have an innumerable amount of things for which I am grateful, don't get me wrong.  But in the end, they all add up to this.  I am strong.  I am healthy.  I am happy.  These, I think, are the qualities in life I aspire to most.  Until recently, they have always been a bit vague and ambiguous, but I am finally starting to put words to my goals and they look, I think, just like this.  I do believe that these are subjective words, however, and mean something very specific to me. So I'll elaborate.

I am strong.

Physically, I am stronger than I have ever been in my life.  I get stronger every day.  I lift heavy things, I move, I work hard, I breathe through tough postures.   Emotionally, I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.  I take care of myself, of my feelings and my well being.  I am independent, courageous, and I have boundaries.  I have moral strength and a foundation built on sense of self.  I am strongly opinionated yet also know the strength in compassion and empathy.  I am okay.  It takes a lot of strength to simply be okay.  I know most of you know this.

I am healthy.

My body is full of nutritious food, I haven't been sick in nearly 6 months, my allergies seem to have all but disappeared.  I am of a healthy body composition, I take care of myself, and I am aware of things that make me feel less than ideal.  I have a healthy sense of my own wants and needs and take proactive steps to fulfill them when appropriate.  I seek advice and assistance from those who know more than I do, yet I know how to analyze information rather than accept it blindly. I am full of energy and life.  I feel good.

I am happy.

Nothing and no one is perfect.  Moods shift, conflict arises, and troubles occur.  That's just life.  Yet in spite of the roller coaster of this journey... or, more accurately, because of it... I am happy.  Thanks to my strength and my health, I am equipped to deal with what comes my way.  Thanks to my incredible friends and the support group I have all over the map, I have shoulders to lean on.  Thanks to my job, my Smirkos, my family... thanks to art and food and books and hot tea and sunny days and hard workouts... thanks to all of those outside things, but also thanks to myself, I am happy.  I will always want more adventure, more knowledge, experience, challenges, friendships, exploration. I will never be done or found or settled.  But on this path to who-knows-where, I am happy.

Wow.  That's a lot to be grateful for.  Sunday night doesn't look so bad anymore, I guess. 

What's on your list?

Dani

#paleopics

A very good friend of mine is known for many things, not the least of which is his sarcasm.  He's highly intelligent, quick to the draw, and snarky as all hell.  Some people say you either love him or hate him, but I just love to love him.  If you went to FAU with me, you know exactly who I mean.  The one and only... Danny Palmer.  This buddy of mine recently posted the following as his facebook status:

Danny Palmer

Crossfit/Paleo: the new "posting cat pictures".

I know Danny well enough to know that he was just being clever, linking two things together in a witty way that he knew would get a laugh and (mostly likely) ruffle some feathers.  That's Danny's way of doing things. And that's fine.  But if you know me, you know I'm an opinionated and outspoken girl, so I just had to comment:

Danielle Kehlmann I could kick the crap out of you now {thanks to crossfit}. So watch it mister. Also, posting pictures of a cat (no offense, cat posters) because it's cute is completely different than posting pictures of food to help stay on track, inspire others, thank those who've motivated you, and share recipes. And is also totally different from posting workouts to stay accountable, share workout ideas with others, and inspire friends who've asked that you do. I know you were being clever, but you also know that I always have an opinion and must insert it (especially when it isn't asked for!) Love you!

His post did get me thinking, though.  Crossfit and Paleo people really do post a lot of pictures. I mean, a lot.  I'm guilty of it! So I got to thinking about why we as a community feel compelled to share photos of our food and workouts, and why I personally do so.  Posting photos provides a platform for like-minded individuals to come together and discuss the picture's subject: in this case -- food and fitness.   I follow paleo/crossfit lovers from all over the world.  We trade ideas and give words of encouragement.  We give suggestions about cooking and ingredients and provide support when there might be self-doubt.  We trade meal ideas on instagram.  (In fact, I wouldn't make half of the amazing food I do without people like Juli from PaleOMG or Jess at PaleoLifeCrossfitLove.) In short, we are a community.  We read each other's blogs not only for our own gain but also to encourage the writer.  We have this thing in common, this desire to feel good and be healthy and achieve optimum fitness levels.  We care passionately about what goes into our bodies and what our bodies, in turn, do with those things.  Many of us have supportive friends and family, but many of us don't.  Even with support from those closest to us, if they aren't paleo or don't do crossfit, they don't quite get it.  Ever try to talk sports with a theatre girl (and by theatre girl I mean me)?  Ever tried to explain a motorcycle engine to someone who hates mechanics?  It's like that. People get sick of hearing about my newest whipped coconut cream and berries dessert or the fact that I GOT ELEVEN CONSECUTIVE DOUBLE UNDERS THIS MORNING (yes this happened!!!!!).  But through pictures, through blogs, through social media, we can find and engage with the people who don't get sick of hearing about my bananas and bacon breakfast or my unbridled excitement about PRing my deadlift.  Some people think it's absolutely nuts that I'm doing the 21 day sugar detox, and even those who don't think I'm insane still just don't get it.  But I know that if I post a picture on Instagram and simply type #21dsd in the caption, I'll get an outpouring of support from people who do get it. People who are doing the same thing at the same time.  People who can provide a personal, emotional, intellectual connection.  And most of us, in the whole world, are really always searching for that kind of connection.

The other aspect that I care about in regards to this topic comes from the part of me that wants to say "Hell yes I post photos of my delicious food and my really freaking hard work out. I. AM. PROUD." These are areas of my, of our, life that we are excited about, proud of, and feel flipping fantastic about showing to others.  I personally never posted pictures of the times I ate at McDonald's or the night I hate half a roll of prepackaged cookie dough.  I felt like shit about those times.  In fact, I distinctly remember getting fast food one night and throwing the trash in a dumpster instead of my own garbage can because I would be too embarrassed for my friends to see it there.  These are not things I'm proud of, but they are true.  And I bet at least half of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  So for me, personally, it feels awesome to say, through pictures, "Hey, I love myself enough to take really good care of myself and have a blast while doing it. Here are some pictures!"

Also, posting photos is fun. And it's addictive.  And ya know what, we crossfitters/paleo eaters do do it A LOT.  The good news?  We also know how to make fun of ourselves...

So do we post a lot of pictures? Yeah.  Do I think it's the same thing as posting pictures of a cat? No.  (But by all means, cat people, post away.  It's a free internet!)  We are using social media for the exact purpose for which it was invented.  We are having fun, trading stories, and getting really good at taking far away pictures that'll fit in that stupid little frame without cutting off the edges.  And besides, if not for us, who'll hashtag #hashtagpaleo?

Peace, love, and paleo pics,

Dani

13.5 (or, what's a chest-to-bar?)

When I started this blog I wasn't sure what it would be.  I decided that I ought to start at the beginning and work my way to the present, therefore I started with where my Paleo journey took root and blossomed.  I thought I needed to write chronologically from there so that you all could follow along, see the progression, and start a journey of your own if so motivated.  Since my first post, however, I haven't had the inspiration to sit down and add that next step.  I've had lots of ideas for paleo- and Crossfit-themed blog posts, don't get me wrong, I just thought I couldn't post them because they weren't in the "right" order.  You see how far that got me... two weeks since my first entry and not another word.  So, I'm taking a lesson from my own journey and "letting go."  If there is anything I've learned from the past 5 months of my life, it's how to let go.  I've learned to let go of preconceived notions of health, nutrition, and fitness; let go of old habits; let go of what I "knew" to be right; let go of "should" and of "can't" and of "what if."  I have learned to let go of the debilitating fears of the unknown and of change and of experimentation.  Oh, I'm still scared a lot of the time, but I have let go of the grip that fear has on me to not "do it anyway" (thanks Janet).  I'm still scared of failure (whatever that is).  And, quite possibly, equally as scared of success.  But I'm letting go, and doing it anyway.  

So, now I'm letting go of the "shoulds" and the "plans" for this blog.  Letting go of the fear that if it isn't perfect, if it isn't chronologically written, if it isn't wholly informative AND factual AND inspiring then no one will like it or read it or be affected by it.  Those fears, those limitations - they aren't serving me.  They aren't helping me to track this journey or feel the catharsis of writing or touch even one person with each post.  And those three things are what I'd like to achieve with this blog.  So it seems that putting the goal-oriented limitations on this project were in fact hindering my achieving those very goals.  A little convoluted maybe, but true.  And a great lesson.  So I'm going to write about what's on my little fat-fueled mind today and consider this post successful no matter what.  I feel good about writing, I feel good about letting go, and if even one reader feels good after seeing this entry, I choose to be wholly satisfied with that.

Okay, Okay... so what's with the title of this post?  Many, many people who follow a paleolithic way of eating also enjoy Crossfit as their main form of exercise.  I begin Crossfit almost exactly two months ago and have quickly become enamored with the "sport of fitness."  Crossfit is constantly varied functional movements performed at relatively high intensity.  For the past 5 weeks, athletes all over the world have been competing in the Crossfit Open to qualify for this summer's Crossfit Games.  I, of course, am not competing, but have been doing the weekly competition WODs each Thursday at my gym.  Holy crap.  I usually Crossfit 3x per week, and these competition WODs have been the highlight of the past month or so. Today was the final Open Workout.  And it. was. brutal.  13.5 consisted of Thrusters and Chest-to-Bar pull ups.  What the heck is a chest-to-bar?  It's something I can't do, that's what it is.  In crossfit, I do a lot of scaling down.  I scale weights, I scale reps (though less and less now!), and I scale movements.  (Crossfit is accesible to anyone in this way!)  Today I scaled the weights on my thrusters to 60% of the prescribed weight (I went with 40#), and I did only one round of chest to bar pull ups and two rounds of strict pull ups (assisted by a green band).  We'll see if I can even use my arms by the end of the day.  Going into this workout, I was unsure and I was scared.  I can't even DO chest-to-bars, and thrusters make me want to cry.  But I did it anyway.  I decided to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I CAN'T do (yet).  I put emphasis on having immaculate form for my thrusters instead of a heavy weight on the barbell.  I pushed myself to have a higher rep count with the pull ups instead of whine about not being able to do C2Bs.  I am proud of the number of reps I finished in 8 minutes, but I know I can do better.  And that's the point.  Every time I walk into the box, I walk out stronger.  In XF, there are all kinds of motivational statements on the wall, on our shirts, on our socks even!  The thing is, they're all true.  Sure, sometimes I'm discouraged or feel that I'm not progressing quickly enough or lifting heavy enough, but that's just my desire to be better and I am able to funnel that into constructive criticism and positive encouragement.  In general, though, I'm amazed with myself.  Never did I ever think I could lift weights let alone enjoy it.  I never thought I'd love burpees (or love to hate burpees), run more than a mile, or do 7 consecutive double unders.  I find myself wishing I could be at Green Mtn Crossfit every day of the week.  I have a healthy competition with myself and a desire to always learn more and be better.  I talk about, think about, write about exercise (and food!).  This, from a girl who grew up inside a theatre, got notes written to skip gym class, quit softbal in the 5th grade, and was terrified of a friendly game of kickball. Who'd have thunk it?

So what's my point?  I guess it's whatever you want it to be.  There are dozens of messages and lessons in this post as they pertain to me.  But what do they all mean to you? Do you need to learn to let go? To "be scared, but do it anyway?"  Do you want to see a change in your health but doubt your ability?  Do you want to switch gears and begin focusing on what you can do instead of what you can't (yet) do?  All of the above? And then some?  Yeah, me too.  I hope that any of this has touched you, has inspired you, has taught you something... even if it's just what a burpee is (add 10 a day to your life and see what happens, aside from just hating me for it).  What's in your way today?  Can you let it go?

Peace, love and paleo,

Dani 

(this photo from a couple of weeks ago, not today's WOD)